Ssshhhh, a woman’s age is a secret… not! Welcome to the Big 3 Club, they all say. OMG I’m 30. RAAR! But as they say, age is just a number. I’m at a time of my life where I’m genuinely happy and I have so much love around me. 2016 has been wild and what a year it has been, what a difference a year makes.
In life, we are allowed to evolve; we are allowed to become who we want to be. Sometimes, we go through certain experiences and it changes us, but that’s how we rise and go on to discover who we really are.
As we grow older, birthdays become less significant but I’ve been a really lucky girl this year. This year is also special because I’ve finally found my purpose in life – through Rock The Naked Truth – to help people find themselves again and realise how much there is to love about themselves.
I cannot be more grateful for all the people who have fought for me and got my back at all times. You know who you are – from my family to my friends to my #ROCKfam and also all the sweet messages from my followers. I am not alone and you aren’t either.
It’s funny how one year ago on my birthday I thought I had it all – a strong family and supportive friends, I was about to launch Rock The Naked Truth and I thought I found The One (ha!). One year later and I’m like, WHOAAAAA look at where life has taken me to.
THIS is what life really is – when you finally chase out the demons in your soul and the darkness in your heart and really be in touch with yourself. Then you can really feel all the love around you and be fulfilled without needing to always be with someone romantically. WOOHOO!
Facing your inner demons
The most important lesson I’ve learnt this year is the true meaning of self-love. It’s extends beyond just physical and being comfortable with your body; it is also about finding the courage to step away from toxic people and situations in life; be it relationships, friendships or career.
A lot of times, we don’t realise that we are actually in a toxic relationship even if something bad happens, such as getting cheated on, losing all your money and burning a hole in your pocket, or being abused physically or emotionally. A toxic relationship is not just about infidelity or abuse, but it can also be a situation where you are often put down by your partner, you aren’t given commitment, you are being manipulated and controlled, you’re not a priority, everything is at their convenience on their own terms and you’re just unable to be yourself or be happy. All of these can be put down to emotional abuse.
The problem is, women in general have an innate tendency to save the relationship and we think we are being strong by staying on in the relationship. We will do whatever we can to help our partners because we feel that’s our duty to stick by our man through thick and thin.
We feel that this is the absolute one for us and you feel like you have known each other for a long time, and so you hold on to it very tightly and will do whatever it takes to make it work. You call yourself a fighter and you will not give up because you really love him. You keep quiet about your pain because you want to make things easy for them, thinking that is love. You choose not to speak up because you want to give them their space.
But hey, you deserve every bit of respect and time that you are giving them too. Sure, one person will definitely give more than the other and every relationship will have its kinks, but you need to know where to draw the line. How much is too much? Stop making excuses for them and start to think for yourself. Because if you don’t think for yourself, then who will? He is obviously only thinking for himself and the truth is, the only person he loves is himself.
They will give you just enough to keep you around, but why should you settle for minimum? Because when he drops you like a hot potato when he’s bored of you or has already given his heart to someone else while you were trying to save things, you will break down and fall deeper into the rabbit hole.
This brings me back to my point of self-worth.
If you value yourself right, you will know when it’s time to cut the line. You don’t need to wait around like a fool for him to make a decision, you don’t need to pull your hair out to help him become a better person, neither do you need to make yourself feel worse because he dumped you or cheated on you.
Yes you did your best, yes you put in the effort, yes you will do whatever it takes to save the relationship. But is it worth it really? You compromise on your values, you find yourself more submissive than usual, you choose to take everything in and not speak up about your suffering, you still continue to paint a good picture of him, you go on thinking that you are at fault and you blame yourself.
Honey, the problem is not you.
Don’t let them make you feel inadequate. If they keep stringing you along, you know you have full power to stand up and cut them off. When a guy says “I’m not sure about us”, “I need time to think about us” or “I don’t think I’m ready for commitment”, that’s your cue to say SAYONARA. BYE FELICIA. When a guy says they are dealing with their own issues that no one can understand, you need to throw out the Mother Teresa vibe in you and not think of saving him anymore.
Why do you want to stick around and try and change their minds? Why do you go on and think about where your flaws are and how you can be better so they will want you? Forget it, you deserve better. Go and give your love to someone legit.
It’s a two-way street – you are insecure hence you attract toxic people and vice versa, your insecurities get exacerbated when you are in a toxic relationship. So here’s where you start working on yourself FOR YOURSELF. Because when you have low self-esteem and think little of yourself, you end up settling for less. You keep thinking of the good things he has done (which is just part of an act) and you refuse to see how terribly you have been treated.
Strength is real and it’s in you. You just got to summon it, BUT first, are you ready to face your demons?
Many recognise that they have issues with confidence and are not able to love themselves, yet they keep running away. I know it is a lot more convenient to just brush the problems under the carpet and carrying on trying in the relationship, even though you aren’t happy. So stop being in denial – if you know it’s not working out, don’t stubbornly cling on. Cut your losses early!
Fear of being alone
I know there’s this worry of not being able to find someone who will love you and the idea of being alone scares you. But this is where you need to learn to love yourself and that means learning to be alone without being lonely.
I admit I used to be the kind who always needs to be in a relationship and I will jump from one to another continuously, but now I’ve actually learnt to enjoy my own company and really, it’s only when you know how to be alone without being lonely, then you are ready for a relationship… Otherwise you will keep falling into unloving ones and keep attaching your self-worth to your partner. Then when will you have time to find yourself?
Channel your energy into a deeper search for yourself and standing on your own feet. Once you’re at peace with yourself, you will start radiating happiness and positivity… and you will draw the right energy to you, instead of attracting douchebags. You don’t need a guy to complete you. You are whole yourself.
There is a lot of love around you from friends and family. Sure, it’s not the same kind of romantic satisfaction or fulfilment you get from a partner, but it will help to make you less needy if you know how to receive the other kinds of love. YOU ARE LOVE – ultimately, you have the power to give yourself love. As cliche as it is, you need to love yourself first before others can love you.
Dump the emotional crutches
Today I grant you courage to stand up and cut away the poison in your life. It’s gonna be painful – I won’t lie – but the rewards are for life.
Don’t blame yourself for being stupid, don’t blame him for not being the person you wanted him to be – you chose to stay, but now you remembered that you can walk away. You have the power to make the choice and responsibility to look out for yourself.
Start to search for who you really are – not just about your character flaws, but the search for your deeper soul. Take time to heal and don’t rush into another relationship immediately, because that’s just jumping right onto another emotional crutch and you will never learn to stand alone. It will take time, so be patient and be brave.
As we get older, we invest more heavily into the relationships – emotionally and even financially – hence we end up having higher expectations and a deeper attachment. Eventually when shit happens, we hurt because that one person we believed in with all our hearts and souls disappointed you in some of the worst ways possible.
It’s not because they aren’t the person you want them to be (you shouldn’t be setting standards of how they should be), but it hurts because your perception of who you thought they are vastly contrasted who they really are (when they finally show their true colours).
You need to convince yourself that you deserve better and you are worthy. If you don’t let go of your issues, this cycle will continue and you will keep going from one toxic relationship to another, feeling worse and worse after each one ends. Truth is, you will keep getting into unloving relationships if you continue to think little of yourself.
Be present and be more self-aware. Yes you aren’t perfect and you will have your flaws too, but don’t take shit that you don’t deserve. Open your eyes to see their true colours, stop focusing on who you want them to be and work on yourself instead. Stop giving your energy to them and use it for yourself.
More often than not, we think we know who we are, but we actually don’t. Stop living life for others and start living for yourself. Just DO YOU. Just be. And stay classy, rise above all.
(Photos by the amazing Ivan Joshua Loh and makeup by Vera Lim)
